


Stone-Sturdy and Unmoved

by slasher48



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Autistic Castiel, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s10e23 My Brother's Keeper, Gen, Internalized Victim Blaming, M/M, Mark of Cain Cure, Neurodivergent Castiel, Post-Episode: s10e22 The Prisoner, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-objectification, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 17:39:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5937103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slasher48/pseuds/slasher48
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one is ever prepared when the rocks start to crumble.</p>
<p>The rocks, themselves, included.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stone-Sturdy and Unmoved

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings at the end.

Castiel has been a lean-to for so long. A shelter for many, stone-sturdy and unmoved.

So Sam’s reaction to the sudden noise he makes, startling both of them, is understandable. The sound is like a sob, and Sam has never—few have ever—seen or heard anything of that from him.

He glances up from what he’s doing, his kind face unnerved. “Cas? What’s up, man?”

Castiel can still feel the injuries. When he closes his eyes, he can see his blade, tip buried in a book beside him. His grace roils as his ears ring with the warning Dean left him with. It’s sensory _Hell_ , and he would know.

“…I. I was unprepared.” is all he manages to offer, squeezing his eyes shut, feeling too much of the body and not enough of his grace. Why is it so difficult to stifle this feeling? It was supposed to be _easier_ this way.

Sam starts to stand up, raising his hands slowly, as though in surrender, as though Castiel could be dangerous.

This feeling is dangerous. This maelstrom beneath his skin.

He runs away. He is supposed to be the rocks, not the waves, and he runs away, leaves the rust and stained glass and Sam’s expectations and finds a quiet corner a block away.

He’ll look strange, but he can walk no longer, and he curses his grace’s betrayal that he cannot as he falls.

Face buried in his hands, he shakes as his grace and these emotions rage, as they battle, until he cries. Until, grace or not, tears rock him to his core and no amount of suppression suffices as he sobs alone, seated in the grass.

Dean is gone. But Dean is not gone. Sam believes Dean is still there to be saved.

Castiel is unsure what they’ll have to do and whether or not he…can. He will, of course, able or not. But.

It hurts, somewhere his grace cannot ease, that Dean could be Dean and yet.

He could refuse, could disregard Castiel’s promise, could hurt him like that with his own hands.

Yes, he healed himself, but—he feels. It’s there, still. It persists.

The crying does, as well, for a long time, as his cell phone vibrates in his pocket and cars rush by. He makes quite a picture, he’s sure, but he cannot seem to stop. Perhaps this is why he’s fought so hard against starting. Perhaps that is where the "I'm fine" originates.

How can he shelter anyone like this?

How can he be useful to Sam? What help will he be to Dean?

The Mark’s machinations had been bearable, before. He’d been _sure_ he could save Dean.

It could be self-hatred, to try now. A feeling he’s too familiar with to miss.

…But, that feeling is nothing. He stands up, clear-eyed and dry-faced by the time he is upright, and shakes his head at himself.

Dean will earn his forgiveness, he’s sure. But only once he is fully himself again, with the Mark gone.

He nods once, satisfied, and starts back toward Sam.

Assured: he owes it to both of them, to Dean and to _himself_ , to afford them that chance.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has perhaps a taste (I would know) of internalized abuse rationalizing (though of course, Cas's situation is more complicated than most). If that's something that will impact you badly, feel free to skip it.


End file.
